WE BECOME WHAT WE DREAM

The first time I started to think about this subject was many years ago when I overheard two fathers talking. One had young school age children and he asked the father whose children were all now grown up and away from home a question.

"If one of your children had a dream you thought they could never achieve what would you advise?"

I immediately butted in:

"To follow their dream.." 

Neither of them paid any attention to me and they continued seamlessly with their very grown up discussion on the subject. Their agreed conclusion was that the parent had a duty to protect his or her child from the likely consequences of an immature and ill-judged ambition. 

It is not that I don't understand the desire to protect from hurt and disappointment but it left me thoughtful. How do we know what someone else's journey through life should and needs to be? What are these adult rights and wisdom that can legitimately trump the rights of the youngster to explore his or her own meaning and destiny in life? We can not offer total protection from disappointment but we can be there to listen to the pain. We can show how we cope with loss and hurt - and give the message that disappointment will not destroy and there are people around to care and help. 

I was able - in the end - to follow my dreams and am fortunate. They have mostly worked out. The purpose of my life - anyone's life - is to grow emotionally, psychologically and spiritually and my way has been to follow my dreams. There is risk. I might have followed a dream and then found it had all been a waste of time. I might have had to make sense of a major disappointment, deal with a sense of unfairness. But those set-backs would all have been part of my life journey, enabling my growth - a growth that I hope continues until the end of my days. 

One Christmas in the early1990s I watched a film called Salt Water Moose - I even recorded it and was so moved that I suggested that Rob should watch it. At the end he asked how many stars the Radio Times had given it to which I replied - one. His comment was "That many!" He can be grumpy. And fair play, on our fourth viewing together, he had reached four stars! 

It is a lovely gentle story of two children, Jo and Bobby, living in Nova Scotia. There is one moose living alone on a small island out in the bay and they want to find another moose, build a raft and take it to join the single moose. 

Jo and Bobby

Bobby's mother is concerned about the danger and she attempts to get Jo's Dad to join her in stopping them. His response is to say "I am not the one to say 'No, its too difficult for the likes of you'. There's plenty enough people in the world to tell her that. But what I will do is to make sure that the raft is sea worthy and keep an eye on them."

Jo and Bobby find a lovely moose they call Beatrice and after some set backs and a bumpy journey succeed in taking her over to the island to join the other moose. Such films operate at many levels - for me this is a cinematic exploration of the psychic importance of growing well and being encouraged to follow a dream and manage risks. 

Politicians - some personal thoughts and memories

Politicians - Some personal thoughts and memories

I am still processing, as we all are, the aftermath of the Referendum. The result was the one I expected. During my travels across the country in early June, I saw all the Leave posters and billboards and my instinct told me that those in power would be given a kick. Nevertheless, I am surprised by how much I feel that my world has been turned upside down. And I’m less than happy with the euro exchange rate as our Greek idyll on Patmos approaches!

All this – together with the Tory leadership contest and my own journey through the memories of my father’s decline and death last July - has left me reflective. Here are some of my thoughts and reminiscences.

My father was a life-long Tory. At Oxford, he became the President of the Oxford University Conservatives. Margaret Thatcher succeeded him the following term.  When I was still junior school age I remember being taken to a restaurant in London by my parents – Margaret and Dennis Thatcher were there as part of a large group. When she noticed my father the future prime-minister came over and greeted him. I remember her remarkably blue eyes and felt she was someone who seemed soft – not at all like the Iron Lady she became.

 After he graduated he was offered a safe Conservative seat, which he declined. The reason he always gave was that he did not want to be in a position where he had to vote against his conscience. He had no private income or alternative employment at that time. So he went into industry and had a worthwhile and fulfilling working life. I was especially touched by someone I did not know who drove from some where in the North down to Aldeburgh for my father’s funeral.

The kindness of strangers - where does this fit with the referendum?

I have been listening to many discussions about the Referendum - some with very strong feelings expressed. And then I look at the UK I am living in and see so many struggling - young people without hope of getting a mortgage or a secure job - others struggling on the minimum wage and graduates who hope that their degree will lead to a job with prospects finding that they are working in Costa Coffee and have debt they can not pay. All this is due to the policies of the current government - they have gone down the Milton Friedman economic line as opposed to that of Maynard Keynes which underpinned Clement Attlee's government, post Second World war. So now we have austerity leading to worries about the NHS, schools, housing ...

How easy it is to understand the feeling that there is nothing left to give or share.  And the deficit has only halved since 2010! I hear the Brexit voices: how can we accept more? Our schools, hospitals, services just cannot cope.. how can we take in any more? I think that these concerns need to be heard and addressed - life today is not easy and is not fair on "hard working families". But the blame lies with the Tories.

The 'Leave' camp cries 'We need to control our borders!'  In times of insecurity such as we are living through today there is, for some, a desire to control what we can, to protect, to cut adrift in order to survive the storm. In contrast during the Second World war when there was a recognised enemy,  there was the sense of "We are all in this together.." - rationing meant that all had the entitlement to the same - although anyone who has watched Foyle's War will know about some of the fiddling that went on!  And at the end of it we welcomed refugees and children who were without families.

I see on television the destruction in Aleppo, the ruins of homes - this along with other factors is driving people to flee. Given a choice I suspect that the majority would like to stay in their own country, amongst their own families, friends and neighbours - instead they flee and we see the pictures of the boats crossing dangerous waters and not all surviving.

The photographer Nicole Tung has portrayed this so well.

See www.nicoletung.com for A Season of Migration

 We have seen so many walking across Europe seeking safety and hope. Would we not do the same in their situation? I see the mother cuddling her child in a small boat in choppy waters; the life of the migrant is fragile. Then I look out at my world in St Ives and I see a new mother showing her baby with pride to the neighbour, another mother takes her child to school - they share the same emotions

A trip to Bath and a Jane Austen feast ..

I have just returned from a wonderful three days in Bath. I walked miles, the sun shone and I had a great Jane Austen feast!

I love Jane Austen novels and have read them all so many times. They have always been turned to when I need to recover from exams, illness .. and while Jane writes of a life that is not quite like today the dreams, the fears, the idiocies are all the same. She portrays human nature so well.

I have in the past visited the Jane Austen Centre in Gay Street and enjoyed it. So another visit was at the top of my list and it did not disappoint. This time all the staff wore Regency dress and acted as far as they could as ladies from the Regency days. At the door you were welcomed by a gentleman who was also in Regency dress and in role of the doorman - a family retainer.

The visit starts in a room on the first floor where you are invited to an introductory talk. We were gifted a lovely young lady who was really knowledgeable and gave Jane's history and story so well, fitting it in with the history of her time as appropriate. And there was a focus on Jane's life in Bath, first as the daughter of a clergyman and then later when life was harder and she, her sister and mother had to move as the money ran out. They ended up in Trim Street, the bottom of the social scale where their neighbours were prostitutes, pimps, beggars and thieves. This talk was also focused on the part

Good endings - how vital they are!

Yesterday I dispatched the last piece of work of my Open University life - and with some mixed emotions. It is the right time for me to go - to move on to the next stage of my life and focus on the creative side. However the Open University has been part of my life since the late 1980s and I do leave with a sense of sadness and loss which I do not remember any other ending bringing in quite this way. I will lose part of my identity even though it will be replaced with the role of being a former OU tutor.

As a psychotherapist and as a client the ending of the therapeutic relationship was not easy - but then the decision to embark on therapy is not easy either. It takes courage to find a therapist, to trust him or her with your inner pain and to pour out your heart and soul.

Ending any relationship is not easy; it can be the most difficult thing we do in our lives as we handle the feelings of loss. In therapy the ending is usually begun by the therapist, although clients may also start the discussion. If an ending is agreed a date is set.  During this time how the client feels is examined together with the progress to their goals and a review of what has been learnt or gained.And also how they feel about ending what has been a significant relationship. It can be that significant issues are brought up which only the prospect of ending brings out. Feelings of both anger and anxiety can be around. And some cannot face the final session.

What I learned during this ending time in my own therapy was that I had developed an internalised therapist. I can in a time of  uncertainty find myself wondering how my therapist would have responded. For me therapy has somehow not ended - but is this my way of denying endings?

In times of difficulty or decision making I can also wonder how my grandmother would have responded and recall her asking me - "What is the decision you will be able to live with at the end of your life?"

As I reach the end of my Open University life I am facing a clear end - no more students, no more access to my online log in. Sadness combined with excitement. And also fear. How will I cope without the structure that this work provided? Will I be able to be creative in this vacuum? Have I learnt the skills of organising my time and prioritising that will still flourish?

In today's climate my ending to this part of my life seems on balance a good one. I have been able to make the decision myself rather than face redundancy as is happening to many -  and I have had so many great messages of support and affirmation from colleagues and line managers. Later in June I will be having a farewell celebration with colleagues - a classic good ending! I feel very valued and lucky.

And as I end this blog, I realise that Any Dream is virtually finished - albeit that I am delaying the sewing on of the hanging sleeve! This piece of textile art has been so precious in the making I confess     to being a little reluctant to letting go.

To conclude - this feels like a good blog ending, with nothing unfinished.

Reflections, politics, protests, life ... and Dennis

My reflective mood has continued this week.I have cause for concern. I am bored with the Euro in or out referendum already and might be losing the ability to tell the difference between Boris Johnson and Donald Trump! However it will be very interesting on 24th June watching the Tories pretend they all are still best friends whatever the outcome. And what future for Dodgy Dave?

I have for sometime been noting the political stance of the BBC which I thought was supposed to be neutral. With their existence and funding dependent on the whims of the present government it could be argued that they are playing it safe and presenting what seems to me to be at the least an uncritical stance on the present government together with a strongly critical stance on the leader of the opposition. Madam Miaow has commented on this in her blog and to my delight has described Laura Kuenssberg, the BBC's new political editor as the "BBC hit-woman for Cameron.." I refer to her as the dreaded Kuenssberg! I wonder if she is invited to country suppers with Dave, Sam Cam and their neighbours Rebecca and Charlie in the constituency home?  38 degrees who are usually impartial had a petition - "Sack Laura Kuenssberg" -  started by Joe who aimed at making the world a better place. 35,000 people signed this and the number could have been higher but the petition was taken down due to sexist trolling. Both Jeremy and dodgy Dave condemned the trolling. Sadly this online abuse has weakened the point of the petition.

Another protest which caught my attention was reported in The Guardian on Friday. In a coastal town near Boston Massachusetts, for twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, a group of parishioners has maintained a vigil inside the building to prevent its sale to help to pay the enormous bill relating to the Roman Catholic church's history of child sexual abuse. They point out that the church is not exactly hard up! The US supreme court has declined to hear an appeal against an earlier ruling and the parishioners will hold a final service at the end of May. But this group is not giving up. They are determined to re-energise disenfranchised Catholics who no longer trust the church. They have been raising funds for the fight, sewing quilts, holding services and fighting court battles. The archdiocese seems to place more value on property than on people.Their vigil - saying people matter - has lasted 4,222 days.

I watched the State Opening of Parliament and enjoyed watching Dodgy Dave walking side by side with Jeremy trying to make polite conversation with him. Jeremy looked straight ahead and remained silent as a potential republican would do. I thought JC dealt with this award situation rather well. I was also delighted when the Beast of Bolsover made his usual protest by remaining in the House of Commons and then quipped "Hands off the BBC!"

I also listened to Jeremy Vine talking with Dennis the Beast on his Radio 2 programme. Dennis explained he visits care homes in his constituency and sings with the residents who have dementia. There is lots of evidence that singing helps and that the memories of the music of youth remains. I do remember one lady in the home where my mother, who had dementia, was resident would stay close to the radio and sing and dance. She had what has been described as contented dementia - she seemed happy. Dennis' mother and sister had dementia. I wonder how many other MPs take the time to visit those who may no longer remember which party they voted for or be able to put a cross against a name. Can you see Dodgy Dave doing this? Well yes - but only accompanied by a television crew and the the dreaded Kuenssberg -  and for as short a visit as needed for the photo op! PR rules! Along with fiddling election expenses. His Eton education has not been wasted.

I was overjoyed by the appointment of the new ITV economics editor, Noreena Hertz. She has already come in for criticism for her lack of news reporting experience and for having "leftie" political views. She has been criticised by no less than the Daily Mail and the Daily Telegraph! The Mail devoted a whole page to her. Her comment so far? She wishes to focus on the job and does not intend to listen to attacks in the right wing press. Are the right wing press disappointed that their aim for UK domination has had a set back? No doubt we will find out.

And to conclude with Donovan life ... we were able to enjoy time with Merlin Porter, the son of an artist,  Jago Stone, who my husband is researching, when he and his girlfriend Bethany visited St Ives. We had a meal with them in The Sloop and while we were there he created this wonderful painting of us and in the background on a shelf are Peter Ted who was Rob's companion throughout his childhood and Sally Ann who was mine. They met Merlin - and are now immortalised!

Sloop Inn Interior - Merlin Porter - 2016

What does a textile artist do all day? Part 1

This is not the first consideration of this question but I thought I would also give it some attention.

To begin with let me share a story from this week. On Monday I got out my graph paper, coloured pencils, paints, rulers and fabrics as I thought I had an idea.Then my mind went completely blank, dead .. and in the end I gave up. All creative thought had just disappeared. I was not happy about this and life in the Donovan home for a short time was...

I did not understand this loss of creative planning as it has never happened to me before – perhaps I am very lucky.  I have made plans, have even cut out and started sewing and then realised it was not working and rejected the work but never before not been able to make a start. I looked for reasons as to why this was happening.

At the end of June I retire from my work for the Open University. Originally I had planned to retire at the end of June 2018. It is my choice to retire now but I realise that I am saying good bye to work with a large organisation which has been part of my life since the late 80s when I became an Open University student.  The Open University has changed in this time and is no longer the same as the one I was a student in – posting hand written assignments, regular tutorials and being part of a group of students, going to residential summer schools. I realise now this next step is coming with more mixed emotion than I had taken on board.  On the plus side there will no longer be the marking deadlines which interfere with creative life, the forums to monitor, the students who need extra support or the few who are unhappy – but there will also not be the lovely colleagues who have shared all this as well as the joys and successes – there have been so many of those. The wonderful times team teaching, the students who had the light bulb moment, seeing their leaps of progress and hearing from a few what their future held. I have got used to planning my creative life around all this – what will happen when these other activities are no longer there?  I am ready to go – it is the right time for me - but I also now know that I need to make more sense of and reflect further on this major stage in my life.

So what did I decide to do? Fortunately I have ongoing projects – Any Dream is nearing completion, Amish Abstraction is turned to from time to time and there is also a piece in the same pattern as Guantanamo but in a totally different colour scheme waiting to be quilted. As I quilt, peace descends and I know that the creative drive is so much part of me – it has not died.

In the meantime I have been really enjoying watching the series of reports on Channel 4 news from Michael Crick as he has exposed the dodgy Conservatives dodgy election expenses!

So what does this textile artist do all day? One answer is she muddles through with the help of trainee perfect quilters companion and reminders of the ball game!

Other answers to follow ... !